PARADOXOSIS
by deetatarant
Summary: Ianto is haunted by the 'Sound Of Drums'
1. Chapter 1

**Set from the middle of season one through to early season two.**

**Between the idea **

**And the reality**

**Between the motion**

**And the act**

**Falls the shadow.**

**This is the way the world ends**

**This is the way the world ends**

**This is the way the world ends**

**Not with a bang but a whimper.**

**('The Hollow Men' T.S.Elliot)**

**PARADOXOSIS**

**The Archangel's Drums**

Ianto rolled out of bed with a moan and slammed his fist down on the alarm clock. _That bloody drumming again_. He bolted for the bathroom and promptly threw up all over the tiled floor, then the toilet. He clutched at his gut until the heaving stopped. More drumming, _Tap, Tap, Tap,_ _Tap_. Eventually he slumped back against the cold radiator, welcoming the chill, he lay there amid the vomit breathing like a fish out of water. It was another hour before he could move himself enough to get on his feet. This had been the worse one yet, bloody migraines. The incessant pounding in his ears came back in full force and Ianto swayed gripping at the towel rail for stability. _Make it stop, for fucks sake stop that noise._ This was getting ridiculous. He'd have to call Owen there was no two ways about it. _Tap, Tap, Tap, Tap_. Sucking in a couple of deep shuddering breaths he steeled himself to move. Somehow he cleaned up the mess and managed to shower without falling over, but everything took tremendous effort. He slumped back down on his dishevelled bed wrapped in a towel and reached for his mobile. Two missed calls from Jack, he must be late for work already. Ianto had no idea what the time was. He did a speed dial for Jack, the first number on the list basically because his vision became so bad he couldn't read the rest of the list. He put the phone to his ear_. Tap, Tap, Tap, Tap._

"_**Hey, Ianto you on your way in?"**_

"No sir, still at home. Sorry, sick, need Owen. Can you get him to come please?" He must have sounded as bad as he felt.

"_**Hang on Ianto we'll there in 10."**_

"Thank you, sir." He dropped the phone on the bed and rolled on to his side, exhausted.

Jack hung up on his phone and leaned out of his office door and yelled. "Owen get your med kit. Ianto's in trouble we need to go." He grabbed his great coat and the SUV keys and the two of them headed down to the garage.

"What's wrong with Tea Boy then?"

Jack got behind the steering wheel. "He didn't say, but he asked for you and he sounded terrible."

Owen's eyebrows climbed into hairline. "He asked? Jeez he must be bad."

"Yep, that's what I thought. The spare keys to his flat are in the compartment under your seat."

Owen retrieved them as the SUV shot down the street, well over the speed limit. Owen was grinning he loved Jack's crazy driving, the only one of the team that did.

Ianto awoke to the sounds of a soft american accent and a loud brash cockney stream of offensive language.

Warm hands settled on his body as he was moved on to his back. Ianto muttered a protest because he was in his birthday suit and feeling very embarrassed but he was too tired to offer any physical resistance.

"Come on Ianto, wake up." It was Owen, his tone had softened considerably as he made eye contact with his patient. "What happened mate?"

"Headache, been sick, can't see straight. Ears pounding." Ianto squeezed his eyes shut the light was just too much. _Tap, Tap, Tap, Tap._

"Ok, I'm gonna check you over. Been drinking?"

Ianto shook his head. _Oh God, this hurts._

"Drugs?"

Ianto frowned at that one and shook his head and then wished he hadn't.

"Sorry Ianto, had to ask. You get migraines, yeah?"

"Yeah, but not like this. My head I can hear noises in my head. It's so loud and I can't shut it out…"

His eyelid was forced open and the brightness was agonising. Ianto tried to shrink away. "Oh god, that hurts."

Jack stood back watching the proceedings with concern as Owen examined Ianto. He decided to check the flat for incriminating evidence in case Ianto was lying about the drugs and drink. It was only 10 weeks ago the boy had tried to top himself by taking a Stanley knife to his arms after the whole Brecon incident. The damage to him, still apparent on his white skin. But Ianto had come so far since then. Jack didn't want to believe that he had let the young man down again. A quick check of the incredibly neat sparse flat revealed nothing untoward so Jack came back to the bedroom. Ianto was by now sitting up with a sheet pulled up to cover his nakedness and looking much calmer. Owen was putting things back into his med bag. He stood up and gave Jack his 'doctor' look.

"I'd like to get him back to the HUB and give him a full CT scan of his head and neck. Just to be on the safe side. I think it's a migraine. But he's had a lot of them over the past 10 days and he tells me each one is worse than the last. He keeps going on about a noise in his ears, and his ears look fine. We need to make sure it's not something else. I've given him a stemitil shot to knock off the nausea so he should be ok for the journey in the car in about 30 minutes. I've also given him a shot of imigran for the pain." He told Jack, thinking of Katie.

Jack recognised the thought straight away and he knew how worried Owen really was.

"Ok, lets do it."

Owen turned back to Ianto and knelt down beside the bed. "Can you get dressed? I'm taking you back to the Hub for some more tests."

Ianto nodded, though he wasn't entirely convinced he'd cope with the getting dressed bit.

In the end Jack had to help him because he couldn't maintain his balance long enough to stay on his feet. Twice the moving around set off bouts of dry heaving and Jack stood there rubbing soothing circles on his back to calm him down. Ianto barely noticed, he felt miserable and rather embarrassed by the situation he was in. He certainly wasn't happy about his boss seeing him naked. He allowed himself to be lead out of his flat and into the back of the SUV where he lay down across the back seat with a towel, in case he was sick again.

Half an hour later and Ianto was sat on the metal exam table looking thoroughly dejected as Owen took a blood sample from unco-operative viens and shone another light in his eyes. Jack, and Tosh watched from the gallery level as Owen worked taking an inordinate amount of time looking into Ianto's eyes with his opthalmascope. Ianto just sat there, patiently answering his questions. Jack eventually turned away, in need of coffee, but he didn't want to ask Gwen or Tosh to make it because they hadn't a clue how to, well nothing that was drinkable anyway.

As the examination went on Ianto became more and more nervous. It was just a migraine after all, surely all this fuss was not required. Maybe they thought he was depressed again and needed the extra 'look how much we care about you' attention. Owen though wasn't one to make affectionate overtures, especially toward Ianto. Ianto was well aware that the Londoner tolerated him at best. So he was more than a little surprised at the lengths that Owen was going to to check him over. Maybe it was something else. The noise in his ears for a start, that was new, he'd never had that before this last week.

Owen dismissed Ianto from the autopsy bay and told him to go and wait in Jack's office. Ianto went reluctantly. He didn't like Jack's office much. It gave him the creeps, mostly because every time he went up there his boss would flirt with him outrageously and Ianto, though flattered by the attention was also terrified by it. He wasn't used to people behaving that way around him, only Lisa had ever managed to break through his intense shyness. Though in fairness to Jack Ianto did occasionally rise to the bait and flirt back tauntingly so and that just made Jack more determined to play the game. Since the Brecons though it had taken a distinct change in direction**. **Ianto had gone home that night in an extreme state of distress that no one had noticed, because he did his usual and hid it so well. Gwen's being shot had rather taken precendence. When he'd locked himself in his house Ianto had downed a bottle of vodka left over from 2 Christmas' ago and opened up his wrists. Jack had found him by chance. Having dropped by Ianto's flat to check he was ok because he had realised no one had bothered the previous evening. Since then, Jack watched him closely, more so than he had done after the whole Lisa thing. The flirting became less physical in nature, exchanged barbs and comments with a light tone of voice in an effort to get Ianto to talk. Ianto didn't like talking much, especially about himself.

He sat on the couch in Jack's office and picked at chewed fingernails. Jack was in the autopsy bay talking with Owen, about him no doubt. Ianto felt his unease increase by the minute. He looked up as Jack and Owen entered the room Jack passing Ianto a bottle of Evian. Ianto accepted it with a nod of thanks. That blasted drumming, it seemed louder again. The painkillers were starting to wear off. And Ianto had to momentarily squeeze his eyes shut. He rubbed at the bridge of his nose surprised when he felt the couch dip beside him as Jack sat down and rested his hand against Ianto's shoulder.

"How do you feel?"

"I'm OK."

Jack shook his head and glanced up at Owen.

"Ianto mate we, need to talk. I've got all your test results."

Owen sat down in the chair to face him and Ianto had to squint his eyes to look in his direction. It did not escape Owen's attention so he turned the lamp off on Jack's desk.

"Better?"

"Thank you. So what's the deal?"

"There's no easy way to tell you this, so I shall be blunt. I found an abnormality on your brain scan."

Ianto nodded. "Go on."

Owen glanced at Jack who imperceptabley tightened his grasp on Ianto's shoulder.

"There's a small shadow, could be a tumour, deep inside here…." Owen dipped his own head slightly and pointed to a spot above his right ear. "It's very deep so I can't operate to do a biopsy or remove it. However your blood work is clean, everything normal."

"Are you trying to tell me I have cancer or something?"

"Ianto, I truthfully don't know what it is. I will need to run more tests."

Ianto sighed. "Will I die from this?"

"I don't know mate. I have no previous scans for you on record. For all I know that thing could have always been there. You've had migraines since childhood, it's only very recently that the nature of them has changed, so I need to look into it further before I can determine a course of appropriate treatment. I've a counterpart at UNIT who specialises in neurology I'd like her to take at look at you as well."

"OK, whatever you think is best." Ianto responded quietly. Owen got up.

"Right I'll make that call."

He left Jack's office closing the door gently behind him. Ianto continued to pick at his fingers, not trusting himself to move or speak.

"Ianto?" Jack's hand moved across his shoulders. "Ianto' I'm going to need you to stay in the Hub, so we can keep an eye on you."

Ianto was too numb to protest so he just nodded.

"Owen's concerned you may pass out or something. So you should stay in the guest room at least until he's sorted out your treatment. You OK with that?"

Ianto nodded again. "What about work?"

"Light duties, and only when one of us is around. Don't worry Ianto. Owen'll sort this." Jack gently squeezed him.

Ianto sighed. "Of course, sir. I should get on." He rose unsteadily to his feet but Jack caught hold of his hand and pulled him back down on the couch.

"Not today you don't. Today you rest. You can barely stand Ianto. I'll get you a blanket and pillow and you can sleep in here for now, by this evening the guest room will be made ready for you."

"I should be in hospital sir, not here. You can't babysit me, not with the work we have to do. Send me to hospital. It'll be easier on everyone."

Jack shook his head. "No, we can't do that. If this is result of exposure to something unknown, we can't take that risk. Any way this way I get to look after you, play nurse. Could be fun."

Ianto gave him an incredulous look. "You are unbelievable, sir. Don't you ever think about anything but sex?"

"Not when you're around."

The blush was very bright and Ianto just wanted to dig himself a big hole to hide in. It took him a moment to realise that Jack's hand was on one of his, entwining their fingers.

"We will do what ever we have to in order to make you well. I promise you."

Ianto stared at their hands. "Sir, I know you will, doesn't mean I'm going to survive though does it."

"You can't think like that Ianto."

"I'll try not to then, sir."

Jack left Ianto curled up on the couch in his office and went to find Toshiko. He passed her a set of Ianto's house keys.

"Can you go over to Ianto's, bring back some of his clothes and over night stuff, he's going to be staying here at the Hub for a bit."

Tosh nodded. "What's happened?"

"He's not well. I can't go into the details, it's not my place, but he can't be left on his own for long periods of time so he'll be staying so he's not on his own at night."

Tosh pulled on her coat. "Is it serious?"

"Potentially, yes. Owen's doing everything he can."

"Right. He won't mind me going through his flat will he?"

Jack smiled at her. "You're his best friend Tosh, I don't think he'll mind."

Toshiko smiled at the compliment. "Well, I'll be back just after lunch then."

"Thank's Tosh."

Gwen who'd over heard the conversation came over. "Anything I can do to help Jack?"

"Yep, we have a guest room to set up."

"**At the hour when we are trembling with tenderness lips that would kiss form prayers" (T.S.Elliot).**

Ianto did not especially mind living in the Hub. The guest room was more luxurious than his flat and it meant he didn't have to drive for half an hour each morning or each night for that matter. Owen and Dr Juliano Costanova subjected him to every test known to man and could not decide on a diagnosis. However the headaches settled down, and the noise seemed to reduce to a base rumble at the back of his skull only becoming a real annoyance when he was trying to get to sleep. Ianto stayed busy working in the archives with continuing to catalogue their vast stores of artefacts, he made the coffee, he cleaned the Hub and fed the animals. The pain killers Owen finally settled on seemed to be doing the trick. The follow up scans showed no worsening of his condition and Ianto slowly put it out of his mind. He broke his heart over Tosh's encounter with Mary, held Jack the night John Ellis died. Slept with Jack the night after John Ellis died and suddenly all the worries once focussed on his condition were now focussed on his boss. His own feelings of shame and self loathing were the worst coupled with the over whelming knowledge that if Jack asked him again he'd do it with out hesitation. Sex with Jack had been the most amazing night of his rather sheltered life. Ianto wasn't especially experienced with women but he'd never considered the possibility of jumping in the sack with another man, let alone his employer. It surprised him that he'd done it all. Jack could be very persuasive, but Ianto was not usually one to be persuaded so easily. A week had passed since that night and everyday at some point during the day Jack would find him, when he knew they'd be alone. They'd talk, they'd hold one another and exchange kisses, not the hurried hungry ones of 'that night', but gentle, loving ones that made time freeze and left Ianto feeling like he was standing on the moon. He wondered if it made Jack feel the same way, but Ianto very much doubted it.

Jack slammed the receiver down making the phone bounce on his desk.

"Ianto!" He shouted as he stormed out of his office to find that calming young man and demand coffee. Ianto appeared to have anticipated him as the much needed brew was there under his nose before he'd even asked for it. Jack smiled taking the mug and wondering how the hell Ianto knew. Not just this time but every time.

"Was that Harold Saxon again, sir?"

"Yep, if he wasn't so damned handsome I'd have shot him by now. He has to be the nosiest politician in the galaxy. He was even asking me how you were."

Ianto gave him a knowing look. "I often have to speak with him, he always asks after my health. I think a certain Doctor Costanova at UNIT let slip about my recent problem."

Jack took a sip of Ianto's amazing coffee and closed his eyes for a moment. "You know what Ianto?"

"No sir."

"Your coffee is damn good."

"Always happy to obligue, sir. Is there anything else?"

Jack leaned in and whispered into his ear. "I want you naked in my bed in ten minutes."

Ianto took a pace back and blushed furiously. He glanced over his shoulder in Gwen's direction and Jack discreetly grabbed his hand and pulled him close.

"I'm going to send them home. Now go and be ready."

Ianto rolled his eyes and eased himself away. "You can be very demanding sir. I think some manners are in order, don't you?" He dead panned. Jack just pulled him back and growled in his ear his lips brushing the skin on Ianto's neck. It was damned hard not to shiver.

"I think I may need a bit of assistance getting naked anyway."

Another growl and a soft bite of his ear lobe. "OK. I'll be there in five."

The following day Tosh and Jack spent the day in 1941 and Ianto shot Owen in the shoulder.

Ianto awoke to the sound of the phone up in Jack's office. He eased himself out of the bunk careful not to disturb Jack and pulled on his boxers and a shirt as quickly as he could. He took the call and realised that he would have to get Jack out of bed anyway. Everything was going to hell.

Ianto was devastated when Abadon killed Jack. He was hurt by Gwen's refusal to leave Jack's side and ecstatic when Jack kissed him, really kissed him like Ianto meant the whole world to him. He died inside when Jack left.


	2. Chapter 2

"**Let me be no nearer in Death's dream kingdom." (T.S.Elliot)**

**PARADOXOSIS PT 2**

**Points of Divergence: Route One:**

Ianto carefully lowered the receiver down and placed it back on the phone on Jack's desk. His face was white and Gwen stood in the doorway looking at him expectantly. Ianto chose to ignore her as he digested the content of the conversation he'd just had with Prime Minister Saxon. His gut had tightened so badly that cramp set in painfully bringing him back to his senses. Something was seriously amiss and he knew somehow that Jack was at the centre of it. Unfortunately Jack was still missing and after chasing up a number of false leads the others had all given up on him, banning further talk about their errant and absent leader. Gwen, Owen and Tosh were all convinced that he was gone for good. Ianto refused to believe it for a moment, but doubt gnawed at his innards none the less. The unease in him had grown on a daily basis, just a thing in the pit of his stomach telling him that something far worse than Abbadon was on it's way and he just couldn't figure out what. It was tied in with Saxon that much he was certain of. His own private research was enough to convince him that Saxon was not what he seemed. He had kept his concerns to himself, the others had all voted to put Saxon in power, even Jack. Ianto hadn't voted at all……

"Ianto?" Gwen was looking rather unhappy with her younger colleague. He was the only one who hadn't towed the line when she took command. Ianto would only take instructions from Owen. Gwen was insulted by his attitude but Ianto didn't care that much.

"Gwen. That was the PM. He wants us to investigate a crashed alien spacecraft out in Asia. The details have been sent to your email account." He knew she wouldn't see through the lie. Ianto was good like that.

"The PM?" Her eyes widening. "You're kidding?"

"He believes it is connected to Jack's disappearance but also a matter of National security. It was more by way of an order actually. The documents will be arriving from Downing Street by courier in a few hours." He'd already organised the forged papers and got an old mate from his school to act as courier. Ianto stood up. "It looks like a trip to the Himalyas."

"Shit. I thought we were above the law, beyond the government, or whatever it was Jack spouts."

Ianto glared at her. "It's your decision of course."

She appeared to think about it, still standing in the threshold of Jack's office, which was most definitely Ianto's territory. He was the only one who went in there, or used the space. That annoyed Gwen enormously Ianto had no business being in there, she was in command after all.

"Well we can't all go."

"Quite right. I can't fly anyway. Owen's already made that quite clear given my current condition, so I may as well stay here and man the fort. I'm practically living here anyway."

Gwen huffed, she felt like saying something really bitchy about him getting off on Jack's bed sheets but she kept her mouth closed. In truth it wasn't Ianto she was angry with, it was Jack for deserting her.

"Well, we'll have a look at he intel and then make a decision. Would you do a pot of coffee while I print off the documents?"

Ianto inclined his head. He needed more painkillers anyway, the coffee would help him wash them down. The pounding in his head had come back with avengence over the last couple of weeks and the incessant drumming in his ears had gone from it's back ground annoyance into a full grown percussion party piece, the same rhythm over and over, never ceasing for a moment. It was murder trying to move without his stride falling into the pace of it.

The meeting in the board room was loud and highly charged. The documents arrived, signed for by Owen who had wanted to go top side to get some air anyway. Another two hours of heated debate and Ianto was booking flights for his three colleagues to take them to Nepal from Heathrow later that same night on a private charter. Ianto had cleaned out his bank account and all his savings to pay for it. He knew he had to send his friends away. He just didn't know why or what was coming. By 11pm that night he was helping Tosh load their gear on to the small jet and hugging her good bye. He shook hands with Owen and pulled him aside as the girls boarded the plane.

"Be careful out there. Take care of them, they will need you."

Owen was frowning at him. "Ianto the only thing we are likely to find is a bunch of lamas."

Ianto gripped his arm. "I mean it Owen. Be careful."

"You too mate, and remember to keep taking the meds. See you in a couple weeks."

Owen didn't see him in a couple of weeks, in fact he never saw Ianto again.

Ianto drove back to Cardiff relieved that he had managed to get his friends out of the country. When he got back to the Hub and turned on the BBC evening news there was a report regarding three fugitives; The Doctor, a Miss Martha Jones and Captain Jack Harkness. Ianto immediately dialled Jack's number on his mobile but the line was dead. He tried a second time. The bloody archangel network, it was useless, he'd never had a problem with Vodaphone. Ianto cursed, then it occur to him that any friend of Jack's was likely to be picked up as well. Shit. He had to hide. Ianto's mobile rang, making him jump. It was Jack, but as soon as he answered the line went dead again. That wasn't a coincidence some one had to be blocking the calls. Ianto glared at his mobile and tossed it aside. Ok, what to do.

He released Myfanwy and Janet. Found an old army kit bag from the archives and packed a few cloths, some meds a first aid kit, two handguns and a pile of ammo clips, a torch…..what else…what else. A rift scanner, could be useful. Hub keys. Fake passport. Ok time to get out. He locked down the Hub and disappeared into the Cardiff night.

Four weeks later he surrendered himself to Harold Saxon in exchange for Rhys Williams. As soon as he had done this Saxon put a bullet in Rhy's head, right in front of Ianto. The young Welshman had stared down at the body with a degree of dispassion because he knew now he was fucked.

Ianto wasn't certain how long he'd been on board the Valiant. His days there passed in a blur of pain, fear, hunger and thirst. Harold Saxon had tortured him and to give the man credit he was imaginative. It was never enough to kill, or even come close to killing, but Ianto had come to learn where every single nerve in body was. He spent his waking hours screaming and his sleeping ones locked in nightmares, screaming even more. Saxon had wanted to know where the rest of the team were, the faithful torchwood lackies that belonged to the freak who couldn't die. Ianto never told and by the end of it he was so blinded by pain that he wasn't even certain of his own name anymore. Then one day he was taken to a spacious room with windows and a big table. Ianto stood there, between two men in UNIT uniforms, there was Harold Saxon, there was an old man in a wheel chair, and three black people (two middle aged, one younger, his own age maybe). They looked as terrified as he felt. Then there was Jack, his hands manacled with razor wire. Ianto wanted to stare at him but was afraid of giving him away. Rather pointless really.

Harold Saxon swaggered about the room with a gleeful expression his face.

"Freak. I brought you a friend." He was addressing Jack and Ianto knew that this was not going to go well. The man in the wheel chair was watching the tragedy unfold with enormous sadness. Ianto was more afraid than ever. Suddenly Saxon was there right in front of him proffering a hand gun.

"There's one bullet in there, Mr Jones, the freak's little sex toy, come secret agent. You are so quaint. One bullet, one shot. Shoot freak over there and he just comes back, so you're not allowed to kill him. Shoot wheel chair boy over there and I will torture the freak. Shoot me and those three over there…."He pointed to the three black people. "Will die very slowly and you know how much I enjoy pain. So chose one of them to kill and you get to live. I think that is a good deal, don't you?"

He forced the weapon into Ianto's grasp. "Whose it to be Ianto Jones? Mum, Dad or Tish?"

Ianto looked down at the gun in his violently shaking hand. He looked across at Jack, then at the family that Saxon had lined up. His eyes went back to Jack's and he cried, because he was afraid and didn't want to hurt anyone. He knew he could never hurt anyone like that and he could see that Jack knew it too. Jack was shaking his head.

"No Ianto, don't please…..please don't"

Saxon was clapping his hands. "Wow, let the games begin. Come on Jones. Make a choice."

Ianto kept his eyes on Jack, steadfastly ignoring his torturer.

"I have to Jack you know I do. The others are safe……"

Ianto could see from the edge of his vision that the old man hunched in the chair was watching him intently. Every one was watching him.

"I can't do it Jack." Ianto was shaking so much he nearly dropped the gun as he unclipped the safety catch.

"Ianto. Don't please….Shoot me for Gods sakes shoot me." Jack was crying now throwing himself against the restraints that held him.

Ianto wiped the tears off his face and sucked in a deep breath. He focussed every once of his will on Jack and smiled.

"Bye Jack." He jammed the gun barrel into his temple and pulled the trigger. The last thing he heard was Jack's scream.


	3. Chapter 3

"Sightless, unless the eyes reappear as the perpetual star…

"**Sightless, unless the eyes reappear as the perpetual star….Of Death's twilight kingdom the hope only of empty men." (T.S.Elliot)**

**PARADOXOSIS**

**Points Of Divergence: Route 2:**

Ianto Jones lowered the receiver and carefully placed it back on the phone on Jack's desk. He looked up at Gwen who was leaning against the doorframe. A frown spread across his brow.

"Well, that was weird." He commented.

Gwen's smile was sympathetic, since taking charge in Jack's absence, the one thing she had learnt early on was to let Ianto deal with the phone calls, especially the ones from Harold Saxon. Gwen had grown very close to the young Welshman over the last few weeks, their mutual love for Jack had somehow given them the strength they both needed to carry on. She had lost her hero, and mentor, whilst he had quite clearly lost the only thing he loved. She could see his heart breaking just a bit more each day and she knew the time would come when Ianto would shut down his emotions altogether. Gwen was determined not to let that happen. The young man had seen too much pain and loss as it was. If Jack came back she was going to kick his arse for deserting them, and then punch his lights out for hurting Ianto. She stepped into the room and plonked her backside on the edge of the overly neat desk.

"What's weird?"

"Harold Saxon has ordered us to go to Nepal. He has a jet standing by at RAF Lyneham to take us there. Some alien ship crash landing, or some such thing. A UNIT truck is on its way to collect us. I mean he's always been a bit of a pain, but we've never had a direct order before. He was adamant we ALL go."

"Well, there's no way you can go. You haven't had an all clear from Owen. Have we any intel?"

Ianto nodded, he was still looking very uneasy. "He's emailed everything, I've directed it all to the printer. God I need a coffee…." He rubbed at the bridge of his nose, another headache was battling to consume him and he really couldn't be dealing with it now.  
"No coffee, Owen was very specific about you staying OFF the caffeine, with the meds you're on."

Ianto's displeasure only increased at the reminder. "Water it is then."

Gwen held out her hand. "Come on, lets get some refreshments before we begin the briefing."

Ianto took it, grateful for the small and precious comfort in the gesture.

Gwen handed out the printed emails to her colleagues as Ianto handed round the much needed coffees. He sat down sighing somewhat dejectedly at his own bottle of water. He hadn't felt this tired since……Actually he wasn't certain. He just wanted Jack home and safe. He wanted to be able to have a day when the pounding in his head and the rhythmic tapping in ears just stopped. Owen shot him a concerned look, but Ianto brushed it off with a scowl.

They discussed the intel sent by Harold Saxon. Decided they'd follow orders. Ianto would remain behind to man the Hub on the proviso that a UNIT officer was drafted in to assist him.

There was no way Owen was going to let the young Welshman risk getting on a plane with his last set of brain scans still showing the abnormality that was causing him so much discomfort. Still the meds enabled Ianto to function, at the moment it was the best Owen could do. Owen knew that even if Ianto were well enough to travel they'd never convince him to leave the Hub for anything more than a couple of hours, just in case Jack came back. Owen wanted to kill Jack right about now. Some one had to remain behind to take care of their resident livestock anyway and Ianto adored Myfanwy. The dinosaur seemed to be the only thing that ever brought a smile to the young man's face these days.

That evening UNIT arrived. Captain Samuals was very unhappy about the fact that Ianto was staying behind. It was with some reluctance that Gwen pulled away from embracing Ianto.

"Watch your back." Was whispered in his ears as they departed. Owen just shoved a piece of paper into his hands listing his drug regime and reminding him to stay away from the coffee, again.

Ianto smiled sadly when they left, feeling so unbelievably empty. He really didn't think he could feel any worse.

As it happened Ianto and Samuals, or 'Captain Sammie' as he came to be known, got on very well. He too loved Myfanwy, adored Ianto's coffee and helped him with the archives. Ianto watched the news, worriedly as Jack's face appeared on 'Most Wanted'. He and Sammie watched in horror as the American president was assassinated. Ianto's mouth hanging open when he saw Jack again on the television, what hell was going on? Then the PM was murdered by his own rather deranged wife. The Torchwood team returned from Nepal looking thoroughly pissed off about the wasted journey and Sammie went back to UNIT with a cheery good bye and a photo of himself feeding the dinosaur.

Ianto's headaches stopped and the drumming in his ears went away over night. Untill……..

Owen pounded along the alleyway. He was aware that he really needed to work out more as the distance between him and Ianto (who was in front) increased. The young man rounded a corner with his gun at the ready. Owen cursed, and ran faster. A weevil, a bloody fast one at that, had eluded them three times now and they'd been chasing it for nearly two hours. It was a vicious bastard too, had already killed two drunken students who'd been shagging behind a van in a pub carpark. Owen took the corner at speed and froze. They had backed the thing into a dead end and Ianto was standing there gun raised, stock still. Something was wrong. Horrified Owen watched as Ianto sagged to the wet concrete in a faint. The weevil flew at him, tearing into his body with teeth and claws. It took six bullets to bring it down.


	4. Chapter 4

Thank you for reviewing the story...Jann.

This is a short up date as the next one is quite long and very angsty.

"**Winter trees and woe. For I live and yet am dead." **

**PARADOXOSIS PT 4**

**One soul, and the path no one should walk alone.**

Owen wiped at his brow and sighed as he then proceeded to pull off the bloodied latex gloves. He dumped them on the tray of used dressings and bandages that were soaked with Ianto's blood. Tosh helped him clean up the mess as Gwen set up a chair next to the exam couch to sit on and watch over an anaethetised Ianto. His injuries though extensive were not life threatening, the scarring would not be too pretty though. Thankfully the boy's face was undamaged, small mercies really.

"Tosh would you mind doing us a coffee?"

Owen welcomed her faint smile as she the left the autopsy bay and he turned his attention back to his patient and double checked all the dressings. With Gwen's assistance they got Ianto settled onto his right side (The least damaged) and Owen did a final check on the IV and the oxygen. He yawned, the adrenalin in his system finally failing him. It had been a long night. Gwen was looking at him with big, kind eyes.

"Go and get some rest. I'll stay with him."

Owen hesitated.

"Go on. Don't worry. Go home and get Tosh to drive you. You look shattered."

"Shouldn't you be getting home to Rhys?"

"Yes, but he can wait. He hasn't just been mauled by the weevil from hell or spent the last two hours stitching up the damage. You need to rest Owen. I'll go home tonight and make it up to him."

Owen finally relaxed enough to smile.

"Thank you Miss Cooper you are a princess among men."

Her smile widened as she absently petted Ianto's hair. "Have a good sleep and tell Tosh to go home too."

Gwen thought it was strange the way the dynamic had changed within the group as a result of Jack's leaving them. Yes, he had left them, willingly and without even looking back, a broken heart and three lost souls in his wake. The extra work been hard, finding direction harder still and coping yet more so. Somehow they had risen above their anger, somehow they had buried their disappointment, well everyone except Ianto that is. It wasn't fair, they had all loved Jack in their own way, looked up to him like a father, brother or mentor. But Ianto had given the immortal man his mortal soul. Gwen loved the young Welshman so much. The younger brother she had yearned for in childhood, the one she could coddle and protect when things went wrong. Somewhere along the line she'd let him down. He'd vanished into his own little shell and hid what was left of his soul away for no one to ever see again and it was all because of Jack.

She had half hoped that when Ianto's headaches had mysteriously stopped that he would start to shine again. For a brief while he did, the stress of the pain having lifted from him. His eyes regained some of their light and he had even managed the faintest of smiles to grace his smooth pale face. Owen had declared him 'fit for purpose' so Gwen had got him out on field assignments, Ianto was more than capable after all. It worried her that the young man had become reckless, had taken risks with his own life. Gwen had asked him why and he had told her that he longer cared enough to consider the risks. It was then she realised that he had finally given up on ever seeing Jack again. It wasn't fair. Ianto was just a child with a world of too much experience and horror dumped into his short life. Gwen had seen enough of it herself, but she knew Ianto's past was far, far darker than her own.

Her father had once told her that some people attracted their own suffering, she had believed it too, for many years. Then she had met Jack, the man cursed with never being able to die and Ianto who had seen everything he had ever loved die, right in front of his own eyes. Death was so final for one and unattainable for the other. She finally understood why Ianto loved Jack so much. He was the young man's only universal constant, the only person that would never die, just run out him she thought bitterly. Thank God for Rhys. Gwen knew that he was her anchor and that she had treated him so badly. She looked at the ring on her finger. Yes, she should marry him no matter what, she loved him, needed him so much to keep her grounded in the real world which she so often lost sight of, especially when looking into Jack's eyes.

She looked down at Ianto, peaceful in sleep. All the worries of the world wiped away by slumber. It made her shudder to think how young he was, how young they all were. Gwen gently ran her fingers through his soft hair, feeling the need to mother him and keep the nightmares away.

Ianto was always yawning these days. His body was still sore with the weevil wounds that seemed to be taking forever to heal and well, he was just fed up with it really. Three weeks of having bandages wrapped securely round his torso every morning first thing and Owen bemoaning the fact that even with his super stitching the wounds were flatly refusing to knit together even though they were clean and no longer bleeding. The discomfort was annoying, but Ianto reflected it could be worse, he wasn't actually in pain, even though Owen was sure that he should be. Most puzzling was the lack of any infection, but Owen still insisted on giving him antibiotics anyway, 'just in case'. Owen had even started looking into the possibility of some kind of skin graft to repair the wounds. Ianto didn't much care, he was tired, irritable and yes fed up. He yawned again, not understanding the extreme tiredness. He'd recently been sleeping so deeply and so well that twice he'd slept through his alarm. Shit his mind was wandering again as he passed around the coffee for the gang. That was something else. Ianto couldn't stand to drink the stuff anymore, couldn't stand to eat and drink anything much.

The alarms went off. A blowfish in a sports car apparently. That should be fun.


	5. Chapter 5

**"A prison wall was round us both, Two outcast men we were, The world had thrust us from its heart, And God from out his care."**

** (The Ballad of Reading Gaol: Oscar Wilde)**

**PARADOXOSIS PT 5**

**'There's something in the darkness Jack.'**

"Hey kids, did you miss me?"

Ianto's bones froze and he wore his soul on his face, for an instant. Then it was gone, back into the caverns of his personal darkness where it belonged.

He jammed the key into the lock of his front door and shoved it open more forcefully than he had intended. He bent down to pick up his mail from the carpet, then made his way into his kitchen. Jack a couple of paces behind him. Ianto heard the front door close behind them and finally he let go, dropping all of the tension from his shoulders and sagging against the slate topped workbench. Shakily he dropped the letters into a draw and went to the kettle to make tea. He was cold, deeply cold and he needed tea. He could feel Jack's intense gaze on his back as he set to work. Damn it, why was he so cold? Ok he was angry, hurting, frightened and overwhelmed with joy all at the same time, but he shouldn't be cold. His hands shook violently as he reached down two mugs from the cupboard. Jack had obviously noticed because he took them from him and put them down before grasping Ianto's hands in his. The warmth emanating from his touch was electrifying.

"Ianto, you are freezing."

Ianto nodded and pulled himself away. "Can you do the teas Jack. I need to get the heating on."

Ianto hurriedly left the kitchen. He hadn't wanted to. All he wanted right now was to dissolve in Jack's arms, feel his touch, anything to warm his soul. He was terrified of the intensity of that need, a need that far overwhelmed his anger toward the man that had run away from him and come back as if nothing had happened. Ianto could see that it had though. Jack looked and felt different. Ianto knew that look; he had seen it so many times in the mirror over recent months. Having turned up the central heating Ianto went to his bedroom stripped off his suit and swapped it for thermals, jeans and a sweater. He came back out to be met by Jack offering him a cup of tea. Ianto couldn't hold it, his hands were still shaking.

"Go sit down Yan, I'll bring this through."

Ianto nodded and went and settled himself on the couch in his lounge. Jack sat down beside him after placing their drinks on the little coffee table and discarding his coat. Ianto could feel him watching again and he shifted uneasily.

"We're not going to see John again are we?"

"Why do you ask?"

Ianto picked at his fingernails. "He frightened me, he's very dangerous."

Jack couldn't argue with the accurate assessment. "Aren't you going to ask me where I've been?"

"No. I'm not certain I want to know. It's none of my business is it."

"Earlier I asked you how you were. You didn't really answer the question, so how are you Ianto?"

Ianto drew his knees up to his chin. "I'm fine, really. I'm fine. A bit tired. We've been busy." It was an obvious deflection.

"The headaches?"

"Oh, gone….they stopped a while back." Ianto was surprised that he'd even remembered.

"So why are you still sick? You look sick."

Ianto turned and glared at him. "Oh, I don't know. Maybe because my heart has been slowly breaking apart over the last 5 months, perhaps it's the working 7 days a week and the fact that I got mauled by a weevil a month ago and I am still not healed. Maybe it's because you fucking deserted me." He lurched off the couch and fled to his bedroom slamming the door shut behind him.

Jack sighed. Shit.

He got up and went to Ianto's bedroom door. He tapped it before entering and found the young Welshman sitting on the edge of the bed bawling his eyes out. He sat down beside him and pulled him close.

"I know, and I am so sorry that I left you. It won't happen again. I swear to you. It won't happen again."

Jack cried, before this evening the last time he had seen Ianto was when the young Welshman had put a bullet in his own brain. How the hell could he explain that? They sat there holding one another for what felt like hours. Jack knew this would happen of course. He had always known ever since the day Ianto had taken his own life to protect three strangers, Martha Jones' family. It was hard getting his head round what he had seen, because here Ianto was crying in his arms, alive, breathing, hurting. But something was terribly wrong. He had sensed it the moment he had stepped into the house and shot the blowfish. Ianto had lost something, seemed diminished somehow. It was probably just everything that had happened lately, the stress and worry of life at Torchwood finally taking its toll on the young man. Finally Ianto eased himself away from Jack's embrace.

"I really need to sleep Jack. I'm sorry I know it's not the kind of welcome you were hoping for but I am exhausted." He looked it too.

Jack got up.

"Its OK. I'll ju……"

"Don't leave Jack. I don't want you to go."

Jack gave him a warm smile and gently kissed his cheek, which was cold. Jack pulled away from him worried, but he didn't let it show.

"Get yourself to bed I'll make some fresh tea. You still seem a little cold."

Ianto nodded.

Five minutes later and the Welshman had tucked himself up in bed still wearing a thermal shirt and track pants and wrapped tightly in his quilt. He was deeply asleep, lips slightly parted, his face smooth and completely relaxed. Jack smiled to himself and stripped off down to his boxers, the room was way too hot for him and he was more than dismayed to discover that Ianto still felt cold to touch when he got under the quilt beside him. Jack carefully wrapped himself around Ianto to help warm him, mindful of the bandaged chest. He'd have to talk to Owen in the morning. Jack lay there awake the entire night, Ianto in his arms unmoving his slow breathing giving the older man some reassurance that not all was bad with the world. He had half expected Ianto to be roused by nightmares, but they didn't come, which was unusual though not unwelcome. Hopefully the decent sleep would mean his Ianto would be feeling much brighter in the light of the new day. However, he remained cold to the touch and still as death and Jack found himself actually checking a couple of times to make sure that Ianto was in fact still breathing. By morning Jack was thoroughly unnerved especially when Ianto slept soundly through the noise of his blaring alarm clock. It took Jack 20 minutes of shaking him, yelling and finally pinching him to wake him up.

Ianto screamed, lurching up on the bed and thrusting his arms out to push Jack away from him. He screamed again eyes wild as a string of Welsh tumbled incoherently from his lips. He switched to English, clawing at Jack in abject terror.

"Oh, God. There's something in the dark. There's something in the darkness Jack."

Jack grabbed the young man's flailing arms. "Calm down, calm down Ianto. Ianto! It's ok. It's ok."

The struggling slacked off and Ianto finally sagged into a shivering heap.

"Jack, I'm dead. I'm dead."

Jack pulled him close absolutely terrified as Ianto whimpered into his shoulder.


	6. Chapter 6

"**And I saw, and behold, a pale horse, and it's rider's name was Death." Revelations 6:7**

**PARADOXOSIS PT 6**

**'Know Thyself'**

It took sometime for Ianto to stop his crying. He leaned into Jacks chest and closed his eyes, arms wrapped vice like around Jack's waist. So Jack held him, whispering soothingly and gently rocking him. Even through Ianto's clothes Jack could feel how cold he was, drawing the heat from Jack's own body but in no way retaining it. It was ridiculous because the room was stifling and Jack was sweating from the heat coming off the radiator. Once Ianto had finally relaxed his hold Jack lay him back on the bed and wrapped the quilt over him. He hurriedly got dressed into yesterday's clothes and then phoned Owen on Ianto's mobile.

"Owen its Jack. I know I said to take the day off, but I'm bringing Ianto into the Hub, he's really ill. Be there ASAP."

The affirmative came in the form of a reluctant grunt.

Jack turned back to Ianto.

"Ianto, where are your car keys?"

"Kitchen bench"

"Come on, we have to get to the Hub. I want Owen to look you over, you've got hypothermia or some damn thing."

Unhappily Ianto got to his feet, bringing his quilt with him. Jack got his great coat and swapped it for the quilt. Ianto nestled into it like a comfort blanket and managed a weak smile of thanks.

Owen was already there when they arrived at base. He took one look at his younger colleague,

"Jeez mate you like a ghost. What happened Jack?"

They settled Ianto on the exam table but he steadfastly held on to Jack's coat and shivered.

Owen was checking his vitals.

"He was cold when we got back to his place last night, even with the heating on full and sleeping fully dressed. He was cold all night. He slept for about 10 hours solid with no movement and it took me nearly 30 minutes to wake him. He kept telling me he was dead."

Owen was looking worriedly at the monitor he had set up. "Well, his body temperature is 35c, BP 90 over 40, heart rate, 45. Shit this isn't good, he shouldn't be conscious I'm not even certain he should be alive. How the hell did he get so hypothermic?"

"I've no idea. What about the weevil wounds, he told me he was injured about a month ago." Jack stood at Ianto's side cradling his body.

"I'll check the wounds again, but there's been no indication of infection or toxins. Sorry Ianto. I know you're cold but I need to check you."

Ianto, with Jack's help quietly stripped off his top layers of clothing, reluctantly revealing his bound chest. Owen care fully removed the dressings to show Jack the old, open injuries.

"There is no medical reason why these haven't healed. His blood work is normal, there were no toxins from the weevil's claws or teeth, I gave him a tetanus shot and he's still on the antibiotics to prevent infection. The only change has been the loss of his headaches and his last brain scan was normal. I have no idea what I am dealing with here."

Jack took a closer look at the wounds; they were clean and dry, just open as if the natural healing process had just stopped dead in its tracks. That word again, dead. Ianto remained silent, uncomfortable under their scrutiny, he was still shaking with cold.

"OK Ianto, lets get you dressed." Jack helped him back into his clothes.

"I'm going to run some heated fluids through him. There are a couple of heat sheets in that cupboard Jack get them out. See if we can try to warm him up." Owen started to work.

It took Owen more than twenty minutes and eight attempts to get a needle into a vein. Ianto didn't really seem to notice what should have been a painful, if not uncomfortable procedure. Owen was frowning at the icy skin.

"Ianto doesn't this hurt?"

Ianto shook his head as he settled down on to the heated thermal padding, pulling the pillow into a comfortable position. Jack spread the second heated blanket over him as Ianto curled himself in a foetal position. Owen was watching his monitors intently and felt himself relax slightly when Ianto's shivering finally stopped and his core temperature started to improve a little. Jack let out a sigh of relief, his fingers running through Ianto's soft hair, absently, as much to reassure himself as anything.

"You feeling a bit better now?"

Ianto gave him a puppy dog look and nodded.

"Much. Thank you Owen."

"You're welcome mate. Now you gonna tell what the hell has brought this on?" The medic's tone though concerned was light.

"I don't know. I just feel tired and cold and everything seems darker than it should be."

"You eating and drinking properly?"

"Don't feel the need. It's like it's not required rather than not wanted. What's wrong with me Owen? I thought I was better now the brain scan was fine wasn't it?"

Owen came into his line of sight by moving Jack out of the way. "Yes, the scan was normal. Is there anything you can think of, that has happened that may have caused this?"

Ianto sighed unhappily. "I had a vision, the night that weevil attacked me." He felt stupid saying it really.

"What?"

"Like a waking dream, I saw it clear as day in my head."

"What was it Ianto, what did you see?" Jack asked, his fingers were still in Ianto's hair. It was nice.

"It's hard to explain."

"Try us."

"When I turned into that alley. I saw Jack. He was standing with his hands tied and he was crying at me. I froze. He kept telling me to shoot him…. And I looked down and I saw my gun in my hand….Then I felt something touch the side of my head and you were still screaming at me. Then I guess I must've passed out. Next thing I remember is waking up and Gwen is looking me and I am here."

Jack's face went white and Owen reached his hand out because he thought the man was going to faint.

"Jack?"

Jack's hands dropped to his side and he stared down at Ianto, real fear in his eyes.

"Jack?"

Owen's more demanding tone brought him to his senses. "It's fine Owen. I'm fine." He said, though he clearly wasn't.

"Jack? What is it?" Ianto was looking up at him now, his hand reaching out from under the covers to grasp his. Jack was gratified by the fact that it felt warmer. Jack hitched a smile for Ianto's benefit.

"It's nothing, really."

"And you are a rubbish liar, Jack Harkness. Tell me what you think is wrong with me. Please. I think I have a right to know."

Jack was hesitant to discuss his theory, wasn't even certain he could believe it himself. Ianto tugged on his hand, becoming angry.

"Don't you fucking hold out on me, you've hurt me enough as it is. You tell me what the hell is going on."

Jack was mortified as he glanced from Owen to Ianto. He really did not want to talk about the most frightening year of his life, not now, when he was still trying to come to terms with everything. There was desperation in Ianto's darkened eyes.

"Jesus, you can be so…"

"Alright. I'll talk, but I don't think you'll believe me." He said finally.

"Have a little faith Jack, the things we see in this place. We're pretty open minded these days."

Owen grabbed a couple of chairs and they sat next to the exam bench where Ianto lay finally feeling warm enough to loosen the covers around him. He kept a firm hold on Jack's hand as their enigmatic leader told them his story. Harold Saxon, the Master, The Doctor, Martha Jones and her family, the end of the earth and finally how Ianto had died at his own hands to protect a family he had never even met before. Jack's face throughout the whole thing was unreadable. Once Jack had finished relaying his tale there was a stubborn silence that over hung the room like a shroud. It was Ianto that finally spoke.

"I shouldn't be here at all then should I? That weevil should've killed me. Maybe I am supposed to be dead in all the timelines."

"That's not how it works Yan. There is no way that you should be able to perceive an entirely none existent time line. It was wiped clean. The only reason we remember it is because were right at the centre of it from start to finish, a part of the causal factor. What is happening to you makes no sense. Even when I was with the Time Agency I never heard of anything like this happening. You cannot exist in two places simultaneously like that. I don't understand it."

Owen was having a hard time grasping any of it. How could anyone experience a whole year within the space of 5 months? He had to admit to himself that he half wondered if Jack had finally flipped.

"But you're telling me I died. I chose to die. It's not the first time Jack. I seem remember trying to take myself out with a Stanley knife last year. Maybe I am supposed to be dead."

Owen baulked. "That's just ridiculous. You know how nuts that sounds. There has to be a more rational explanation. I'll do more tests."

Ianto shook his head. "I don't think that will help. Jack? I'm right aren't I?"

Jack gazed at him, staggered by the calm with which Ianto seemed to accept the situation, not matter how 'nuts' it was. He leaned forward and kissed Ianto's forehead suddenly over whelmed by his love for the young man before him.

"Yes Ianto, I think you are right. Owen, do your tests. I'm going to make a couple of phone calls. I think we'll need some help."

"Help? Jack how do you propose we fix this, assuming your cranked theory is right that is?"

Jack smiled at Owen. "I have no idea how to fix this, but my Doctor might know what to do." He gently planted another kiss to Ianto's hair. "Be back in a minute."

Owen huffed out an annoyed breath. "This is completely insane."

"What else could it be Owen? You said yourself that my bloods and everything are normal. I've survived a lot of stuff in my life, maybe I was never supposed to survive at all?"

"Do you know how fucked up that sounds? Anyone would think you wanted to die."

Ianto hadn't actually considered this. "Maybe that's the problem."


	7. Chapter 7

**"The light that burns twice as bright burns half as long"**

**PARADOXOSIS PT 7**

**"What shall we ever do?"**

"Are you trying to tell that you want to die?"

Ianto was gaping at Owen. "No. Owen don't you get it? Of course I don't want to die. It's the last thing I want. I'm scared shitless, but there was a time when I did and maybe this is why this is happening to me."

"Shit, this is way over my fucking head. There has to be a more scientific reason for it Ianto. You're delving into the realms of the paranormal, this isn't the freakin X- Files you know!"

Ianto smiled at that. "I don't understand it myself, it just makes sense in some loony way. Maybe it's the constant proximity to the rift?"

Owen's face lit up. "Genius! I'm calling Tosh; we need to get her in. You could well be right." He turned to leave. "I'll get Jack down here."

Ianto watched as he ran up the stairs wondering why none of them had considered that possibility before. He sighed, feeling exhausted by all the things that were happening. He really didn't want to die, not like this and not now he knew there was still too much to live for. Ianto closed his eyes and before he could stop himself he immediately sank into a black sleep.

"Ianto! Ianto! Wake up, please wake up. Please come on."

"That's it, he's coming round."

"Come on Ianto, come on easy now."

"His vitals are stabilising. Shit, at last."

"Come on Yan, come on wake up, that's it now."

The light was horrendously bright.

"Jack?"

"Yeah. That's better, you really need to stay with us now, OK?"

Something was ruffling his hair, hot fingers brushing his cheek. Ianto shivered.

"It's Ok, you're fine now. It's ok. Come on wake up."

Ianto cautiously sat up and surveyed the collection of worried faces around him.

"It was dark Jack, there's something there on the other side. Don't let me go back, please. I really don't want to go back." Jack's arms enfolded him. Then he registered the stranger looking at him. "You're the Doctor aren't you?"

This statement elicited a wide smile from Jack and from the Doctor.

"We meet again Ianto Jones. A pleasure. Now how are you feeling?"

A strange silver object with a blue light was held in front of his face.

"Is that a…?" It was Tosh.

"Sonic screw driver, yes."

Ianto watched them all gathered about him from his place on the exam table

"How long was I out?"

"About 6 hours." Owen answered. "We had to thaw you out again."

"I need to pee."

Everyone gaped at him and Ianto felt himself blush. "Sorry, it's all that IV fluid I expect."

"Do you wanna walk or shall get you……"

"Walk!! And stop looking at me."

Jack and Owen helped him to his feet.

"Are you sure you want to walk Ianto, you're pretty wobbly."

"Jack can help me, can't you?"

Jack was smiling at him in that 'I want to pounce on you' way of his.

"On second thoughts Owen maybe you should."

"No he won't, come on you're with the Captain. This, by the ways is Martha Jones."

Ianto looked up into a beautiful dark face. "Hello Martha, did you come with the Doctor?"

She nodded and smiled at him. "Yes. I wanted to meet the man who protected my family, even though you don't know it. You're my hero." He was given a hug and that made him blush even more.

Jack and Martha assisted him out of the autopsy bay, as soon as they got out of earshot Owen turned straight to the Doctor.

"Can you help him?"

The Doctor seemed completely unconcerned by the slightly hostile looks on the faces of the Torchwood team.

"I'm not sure. Toshiko, what did your scans reveal?"

Tosh smiled shyly at him. "He's giving off high levels of Meason radiation, the same kind of radiation we come to associate with anything that comes through the rift. This is slightly different though, it's as if it's out of phase or not quite on the same frequency. The thing is though he shouldn't be radiating it; the energy is coming off him. As if he's been overdosed and now his body is spewing it out. Though how that ties in with this 'year that never was' of yours I don't know. When he was unconscious the intensity of the radiation increased. This is weird."

"Dr Harper?"

Owen glanced from Tosh to the Doctor; he still wasn't sure about trusting this man.

"When he lost consciousness all his vitals dropped, as if he was suffering from hypothermia. His sleep state was almost verging on being a coma, but the brain activity was way too much for that. He was definitely reacting to something whilst in the sleep state."

"And this all started the day of the weevil attack?"

"No, not really, he's only been getting these freezing episodes for the last couple of days. Before that it was extreme tiredness and his injuries not healing. Truth is the tiredness I just put down to the work load and the fact that he's been upset about Jack leaving him."

The Doctor was looking thoughtful. "Are any of the rest of you exhibiting these symptoms?"

Owen shook his head. "Tosh and I did thorough checks. We are all normal and Jack is Jack normal. Look mate, I know you and Jack are big buddies from way back and he trusts you, but I don't. What I want is Ianto better, so can you help him or not?"

Gwen shuffled her feet awkwardly, worrying that Owen in his usual brash manner would offend Jack's friend and scare him off. But the Doctor just gave them all a cheeky grin.

"I really don't know. Now bare with me for a moments while I ask more questions."

"OK."

"Does this branch of Torchwood keep an archive?"

The team all nodded.

"Ianto manages it. He knows everything." Gwen replied trying to lift the mood.

"Right, so presumably he'll know what's stored there?"

"Yes I do." Everyone turned to face Ianto who was being supported by Jack and Martha, who had taken an instant liking to him. "Can we discuss this in the board room, it's nicer in there."

They all agreed happily to the suggestion and Gwen decided to make herself useful by making a pot of coffee.

Jack had his chair round to face Ianto so that the young man could more comfortably lean against him, wrapped in Jack's coat with a couple of hot water bottles courtesy of Gwen. Jack wanted him close in case he started to slip back into the sleepfulness again; he kept one arm protectively around Ianto's waist under the coat. The Doctor watched them closely, he knew why Jack loved this man so much and he was quietly grateful that Jack had found some happiness, even if in years to come he was to lose it. Ianto had definitely had a positive effect on Jack.

"So, where are we at?" Jack wanted to know.

"Archives, what do you have in the archives that is likely to affect time?"

Ianto was yawning again and Jack discretely pinched the skin on his arm to liven him up.

"Yan?"

"Err, the only thing here is the rift manipulator. Of course there's still 3 levels I haven't gone through yet and the Victorian paperwork is a nightmare to make sense of because most of it got flood damaged in '72."

"Maybe The Master did something?" Martha suggested.

"You mean Harold Saxon? I never met him, he didn't come here."

"No, but you did speak to him almost daily at one point when he was still Minister of Defence, he fooled everyone with the Archangel network, maybe you were affected by that."

Ianto grinned and squirmed round to smile at Jack. "That's it. I was affected. Stupid I should've realised."

"Realised what?" Owen demanded.

"The dodgy thing in my head, those headaches. It all started when the network went on line. Perhaps he's done something that's pulled me into Paradox and left part of me there. I mean, well I don't understand how…but Jack that would make sense, even while you were away he was phoning here right up to the assassination of the US President, drove us round the bloody bend, but I was the only one of us who had regular contact with him."

"So the question remains, how has he done it? And how do we undo it?" Jack was looking expectantly in the direction of the Doctor.


	8. Chapter 8

"**Time is an illusion, lunchtime doubly so." (Ford Prefect)**

**PARADOXOSIS PT8**

**Justify Your Existence.**

The Doctor was grinning. "I have a solution, I think. But it won't be easy."

Everyone was looking at him.

"Well?"

Jack shifted slightly tightening his hold on Ianto.

"It's only an educated guess. I have a room in the TARDIS that can absorb all the radiation. The paradox we experienced is part of her psyche now. She may be able to correct his problem, but it will involve exposing him to the vortex."

"That can't be good. The last time that happened with Rose, you had to regenerate to save her."

The Doctor nodded, looking long and hard at Jack. "Quite so, but Rose opened up the heart and absorbed everything. The room I have will enable the TARDIS to control what he is exposed to."

"Will he become like me?"

"Not if I can help it Jack, one fixed constant in the universe is quite enough. Two of you would be catastrophic, beyond the impossible. No it will have to be carefully controlled and the TARDIS is capable of doing that provided she understands what is happening to him. It is the only solution I can offer."

Jack smiled at Ianto. "It's up to you."

"I don't want to die Jack, but I sure as hell don't want to live forever either." Ianto faced the Doctor. "Can you promise me I won't end up like Jack?"

"Yes, because I will not allow it. I can't guarantee that you will survive the procedure though."

Owen watched the exchange with extreme concern. "Hang on a minute what exactly is it you are planning on doing? He is my patient and I would like to be better informed!"

Gwen and Toshiko were nodding their agreement. Ianto felt a small flood of warmth; they were always looking after him.

The Doctor inclined his head toward Owen and graced him with a cheeky grin. "I like your team Jack."

Owen did a Ianto and rolled his eyes mistaking the compliment for innuendo, he'd been around Harkness for far too long.

"In simple terms Doctor Harper. The room will enable the two time lines to separate out. That will enable Ianto to chose the path he wants to take at the point of divergence."

"What do you mean, choose?" Jack was looking worried now.

"Ianto will have to choose which path to follow, the one that took him to the Valiant, or the one that didn't. Only he can make that choice and both roads hold the possibility of ending his life. We both know what happened on the Valiant and it is likely that the Weevil attack may have the same outcome."

"What if he doesn't do this at all?" Owen wanted to know.

"Eventually he will fall into a sleep state he won't wake up from, a living death, until his body ceases to function."

"But how will I know which one is the right choice? I mean aren't there future consequences or something?"

Jack was horrified by the question. "There is no choice, Ianto. You are not dying on the 'Valiant' again. No fucking way."

Ianto was gratified by his concern, but he chose to ignore the comment by addressing the Doctor again.

"Well? How will I know?"

The Doctor could only shrug. "The only person you have to justify your existence to is yourself. No one here can help you should you chose to accept my offer. The alternative is certain death, of a sort. I can't really call it death as such, but you've seen that other side in your sleep state and I am quite sure you don't want to spend eternity there."

Ianto was certain he didn't want to. "But what is that place?"

"Hell? Heaven? The void? Who knows? I just know it is to be avoided at all costs if you want to hang on to your soul."

"Then I guess I have to do this then."

The Doctor nodded. "Good man. Let's get you ready."

The Doctor would only grant access to the Tardis to Jack, Ianto and Martha: much to the dismay of the rest of the Torchwood team. Owen was especially put out, demanding that Ianto needed a medical specialist by his side if things went pear shaped. The Doctor glibly replied that if things did in fact go 'pear shaped' Ianto would be dead and Martha as a doctor herself was more than capable of taking care of things anyway.

Gwen, Toshiko and Owen stood outside the Tardis feeling thoroughly sidelined and Jack had to give them many assurances that things would be alright before disappearing inside with Ianto. Ianto during all of this had hugged the girls fiercely and shook Owen's hand to make his goodbyes in case he didn't see them again. He was scared half to death as he stepped through the door but his fear dropped away to a feeling of wonder as he entered into the console room of the old time machine, his eyes as wide as saucers.

"Wow." Escaped him and for a moment he forgot why he was there as he took in what he saw. "Is this the whole time and relative dimensions in space thing at work? The bigger on the inside? It's beautiful."

Jack paused a pace behind him enchanted by Ianto's wonderment.

"It's alive Jack. I can feel it."

Jack helped him forward.

"You can?"

Ianto nodded and he smiled at the Doctor. "Is it alive?"

The Doctor couldn't help but smile back; it was rare for a human to notice such things. What was better was the look on the young man's white face, he was about to confront death, or maybe even something worse and he could still be lost in a moment of joy. The Doctor's gaze settled on Jack who was at Ianto's side like a guardian sentinel. They were good for each other; he sincerely hoped that Ianto would be able to make the right choice.

"Yes, she's alive. We have a very close relationship. Right let's get to business, follow me."

The room was a stark contrast to everything else Ianto had seen in the TARDIS. The Doctor opened a door that led into a bright white completely featureless spherical space. At best two people could fit into it, but the bubble shaped interior was only designed to hold one person at any given time.

They stood at the thresh hold.

"This is as far as the rest of us can go. You must enter alone and I will seal you in."

Ianto looked from the Doctor to Jack seeking some reassurance. Jack held him tightly kissing the top of his head then cupping Ianto's face with his hands and looking directly into the Welshman's darkening eyes.

"I will be waiting right here for you. Don't be afraid."

Their lips met in a deep, tender kiss and Martha and the Doctor both looked away not wanting to impose on the intimacy. Finally Ianto broke away, the taste of Jack on his lips.

"OK. I'm ready."

"Just step in and lie down. It's all you need to do."

"Can't I go in there?" Jack made to follow him and was stopped by a firm grip on his arm.

"No, it's too dangerous."

"I don't mind the risk."

"Too dangerous for him, not you."

Ianto stepped inside feeling the curve of the floor under his feet. He took a last look at Jack and the Doctor locked him in.

He felt it, the moment the door was closed and Ianto sagged to the floor in a waking sleep.


	9. Chapter 9

**"The Truth is a Three Edged Sword, Their Side, Your Side and Reality Itself" (The Vorlons)**

**PARADOXOSIS PT 9**

**The Sleeper Awakes.**

_Sunlight was the most precious thing in Ianto's life. As a child it heralded the day of his birth, bringing light into the eyes of his parent's. It meant a day at the beach, or in the park or just sitting on the back porch step playing with his cars or rubbing his dog's ears. The Sunlight made his world shine and always left him feeling like something good was left for him to grab hold of, even on his darkest of days. The day when his parents had died in a road traffic accident, when his sister lost her fight against HIV, when his friends and loved ones burned at Canary Wharf and the day he realised that Lisa was no longer human. So many things turned to ash, leaving emptiness and desolation in its wake. Except he could still look up into a blue sky, see the sun and find some comfort there. He never understood it, never questioned it because it enabled him to hang on to his fragile grasp of his own humanity. Then he went to the Brecons, was confronted by the unthinkable, the repulsive, the disgusting and the impossible. Humans at their basest level feeding on the flesh of their own kind, taking lustful pleasure in an act of the devil. Not that he was religious you understand. The metaphor was distasteful to him. But the inhumanity of those acts snapped his delicate thread and sent him into the abyss._

_The litre of vodka had gone down his throat like fire, too easily and too quickly. But he could still drown in his overwhelming horror, still felt contaminated by the filth of that day. He had wanted to feel something, anything but what he was feeling now. The sun wasn't up to rescue him from the blackness. The kitchen knife was too blunt, barely scratched the surface of his porcelain skin. The Stanley blade glided through his flesh, making him quiver on the verge of orgasm…………._

Jack had settled himself on the floor outside of the door behind which Ianto was sealed. The Doctor had been very specific. Under no circumstances was Jack to enter the room, to do so would risk killing the man behind the door who was trapped in a perverse contortion of time, deciding his own fete. Jack had had to bite his own knuckles when Ianto started screaming. But he sat there none the less, hoping by some small chance that Ianto would know he was there and choose to come back to him. Tears flooding down his face in silence.

_The feel of Jack's hands on his skin was like being touched by fire. Every fibre of his being, electrified by the delicate brush strokes of his lover's fingertips. Each single touch of his lips against his felt like the beginnings of the universe itself, pouring into his broken soul, healing him. Ianto breathed Jack, every moment, every breath, his beautiful Jack. He had never felt pain or joy like it. His smell, his voice and his body heat all became part of himself. They moved as one, they spoke as one and they thought as one. Like two halves of the same soul finally melded together through longing and loneliness. Ianto knew he would never feel this way again and when Jack left, the emptiness was a chasm and his body became a shell of nothingness. What was he with out this man? A mere shadow, an empty amphora used and tossed away to rot into dust._

Jack wasn't sure how much time had passed. He was dozing when Martha proffered a cup of tea and couple of digestive biscuits. He accepted them with a grateful smile.

"How long?"

Martha glanced at her watch. "Seven hours 38 minutes." She patted his shoulder. "Don't worry Jack."

_White, pain. Blindingly bright and screaming in the depths of his skull. God so much pain. Everything nerve on fire. So much hatred and lust. It was Brecon, all over again, just one mad man with so much evil in his twisted excuse for a soul. Why won't the pain end? Jack will save us. He'll put the world to rights. That's what he does. He fixes the world and makes everything right again. Where are you Jack?_

_Ianto lurched to his feet throwing off Jack's greatcoat to the curved floor. He pounded on the wall and screamed Jacks name. He had never felt this kind of primal terror before, the Master was coming for him and he knew he was about to blow his own brains out again and right now it was last thing he wanted to do._

_But the gun had already been pressed into his shaking hand; the barrel at his temple and a Weevil was tearing at his flesh and bones._

He pummelled the cold smooth surface of the wall that felt as cold as marble and unforgiving as he pounded it, breaking his knuckles, splitting the skin. The red of his blood stark against the whiteness. Ianto froze and sank down sobbing.

"I don't want to die, please I don't want to die."

**Tell me what it is you want?**

"I want to live. It's all I want is to live."

**What would make you live?**

"I would. Do I need a reason?"

**Are you worthy of that gift?**

"No. But no one has the right to judge my worthiness."

**Who are you?**

"I'm Ianto Ifan Jones."

**That is merely your name. Who are you?**

"I am the son of Manon and Ivor Jones, brother to Menon."

**An accident of birth, miracle of nature?**

"We are all miracles. Life itself is a miracle. Please I do not want to die. I'm afraid of the darkness."

**What would make you live?**

"The light. I love the sunlight. The sky, the stars, the air over the sea in my lungs and my friends who are waiting for me not to let them down by giving up. I don't know who you are. Who are you?"

**I am Ianto Ifan Jones who are you?**

"I don't understand the question."

**And that is why you will die.**

"I'm just me, Ianto. The quiet one in the corner who never says anything. Doesn't want to upset anyone. I'm scared of the dark and spiders. My favourite book is 'Rendezvous with Rama' by Arthur C Clark. I like to wear suits and drink coffee. I love claret red shirts because they always make Jack smile when I wear them. I write in my diary every day since my Mam and Tad died because it's like I am talking to them. If I had to die to save my friends or the world I would, but not like this. Not just by sinking into nothingness. I want my death to count for something. Not here, not now please, not like this."

Ianto had cried a few times in his life, but never like this. Heaving each sob with a wrench in his gut that made him hurt all over. He finally curled into a ball and pulled Jack's coat around him for warmth and fell into an exhausted sleep.

There were voices around him. Gentle hands lifting him and the warmth of someone close against him. Warm sweet breath against his face, a mixture of spice and honey. He was warm, could feel the heat tingling in his toes. There was light on his face. Was that bird song?

"Jack?"

"Hey there."

"Where am I?"

"In a chair on the balcony at your flat. It's a beautiful morning. I thought you'd like to see it."

Ianto slowly opened his eyes; the light of dawn was spreading over the rooftops.

"You brought me home?"

Jack nodded settling in a chair beside the one he had sat Ianto in, wrapped in his coat with hot water bottles and a pair of Gwen's big rabbit slippers on his feet.

Ianto felt like an old aged pensioner. "Did he fix me?"

Jack gasped his wrist, the warmest it had been for days. "Well the way I see it, you fixed yourself. Though your hands will take a couple of weeks to mend. You'll be ok Ianto. The room took away all the rift energy in your body and you made the decision to live in the here and now."

"I must thank the Doctor."

"You already did, by making the choice you made. He's gone now anyway, back out there somewhere." Jack gestured to the sky.

Ianto turned to look at him in the half-light.

"You didn't go with him."

Jack met his look with a brilliant and heartfelt smile. "I have everything I ever wanted right here. It took me seeing you die on the Valiant to realise that. So if you're still up for that date?" There was a hopeful and mischievous glint in his eyes.

Ianto turned back to the view.

"Dinner and a movie? Count me in."

**THE END**

**AN: Thank you for your kind reviews... I hope I have acheived a decent ending here,because this was very hard to write. I knew what I wanted to achieve but not sure if I have pulled it off. OPinions would be gratefully recieved...Thank you.**


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